Continuing to struggle along in the face of some extremely painful circumstances this week. Trying my best to put it in perspective; trying VERY hard to accept and internalize the finality of the situation. A door has closed behind me and the only way to go is forward. Time doesn’t run backward.

Some days are up days; some days are down days. The problem with living in the middle of the whirlwind is the complete and utter lack of predictability as to how your day is going to go. In some cases, the changes are hour-by-hour. A person whom I trust told me that the key to getting through the next week/month/??? (I can’t bring myself to write “year” there) is to be able to live with uncertainty, with doubt, with indecision. I’m not normally indecisive or doubtful or uncertain so it’s going to be a challenge to learn how to do that.

I’m taking next week off from work in an attempt to regroup mentally, physically, emotionally, because right now my focus and attention is nowhere near where it needs to be. By way of example, this week I missed a deliverable on a side project, which is so unlike me – I can’t even begin to describe how that felt, priding myself as I do on my ability to deliver when it counts.

I feel like I’ve lost a friend, a dear friend, and part of the loss is the everyday intimacy that a good friend brings into your life – not physical intimacy, mind you, but the emotional intimacy of shared backgrounds, shared interests, shared understandings, verbal shorthand, inside jokes, mutual care and comfort during challenging times, the non-verbal cues that sometimes say more than words, the attention, the ability to just talk and say anything and know it will be OK. Everything that you need a friend for is momentarily derailed (again, because of me), and my task is to try to address this new challenge, this new circumstance, in a way that’s good for all involved.

We’ll see how I feel a week from now, after some time off and some ability to rest and regroup and refocus. My goal is clear; the plan to get there is a little muddy and scary. We’ll see.