“"Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about."

- Anon. A. Moose

I’ve given up on something I’ve been thinking about every day.  Reluctantly?  Sure.  But I’m conscious and aware and am not going into today and the rest of my life with this sort of half-baked semi- sorta- maybe- possibly- keeping one foot stuck in the doorway attitude.  At least I’m going to TRY not to do that.  We all fool ourselves, even the smart ones (*cough*), so it will be tough. It may be among the hardest things I’ve ever done.  I may backslide and think about things differently than I intend to.  But like I said yesterday, the goal is clear, even if the path is scary.

Yesterday was shredding day.  Yay?  I took several dozen pages of densely-handwritten journal entries and tore them up and put them in the secure shredding bin.  Another step towards closure.  I took the suggestion to clean house from a site on the internet.  Let me tell you, it didn’t feel good.  I suppose some people get off on physical manifestations of “moving on”, but for me it’s yet another opportunity to feel that ever-present twinge of sadness at something irrevocably lost.

Today is work.  Work, work, work.  Attempting to focus on that which I can control, which is this little laptop, and my fingers, and my eyes.  Let my thoughts go where they will, but I have code to bang out, projects to complete, plans to make.  I can’t keep living every day keeping myself an emotional hostage to what might have been, so I need to do those things that will move me forward to the next phase of my life.  For me, for right now, that’s work.  I enjoy it, I’m good at it, and it helps me achieve (some of) my goals.

I’m taking next week off from my day job and will likely work a lot.  Keep busy!   It’s way too much to expect that a single week’s passage will fix everything, but one week follows the next, and eventually one day you wake up and you feel … whole.  No missing parts. That’s what I’m shooting for.