So I’ve been battling severe stomach cramps all morning.  I’m pretty sure I picked up something from the kids, but am not sure if it’s the stomach flu, or some lesser-known virus, or just some passing bug of unknown provenance.

The good news is that my legs are not sore/tired from yesterday’s 56-miler.  I was sort of worried when I was cramping up that I was overdoing it, but aside from my stomach, I feel like I could go out and go biking again, or go for a long run.  Well, let me take that back – my ass is really sore from four hours in the saddle, so I probably wouldn’t bike again today   Not to mention the fact that my stomach is REALLY killing me.  Every 30 minutes or so it cramps up to the point where I double over.

The bad news about getting sick right after (during?) my ride is that I didn’t have a chance to reflect on and digest all the things I was thinking about as I was pedaling.  Nothing like four uninterrupted hours to get some thinking done.  I mentioned a little while ago how a couple recent comments have sort of stuck with me, in a not-so-great way, but I think I made some headway about putting the comments into perspective in terms of where I want or need to go based on that information.  It’s not the most fun thing in the world, to feel let down in a way, even in an unintentional way, but it happens.  Life goes on.   Get over yourself (myself!).  So my ride was a chance for me to exorcise some minor demons, put the ghosts back in the attic where they belong, and see if I can try to put those comments out of my mind.

I suppose you could argue that the fact I’m blogging about them shows that I’m still dwelling on them.  Fair enough.  But it’s a process, not a light switch that you can turn on or off.

Do you ever talk to yourself when you bike?  I do, every so often – and no, I’m not weird.   I think!  But I found myself talking to myself once or twice yesterday, to put into words that I could hear the thoughts going through my head.  It helped.  Normally I think a mile a minute, but actually speaking the thoughts slows everything down and makes it clear what it is that you’re thinking.  And when you’re out in the middle of nowhere, there’s nobody around – just me.

I’ve been thinking about doing the bike-to-work commute starting soon – let’s see how this stomach flu or whatever shakes out, and maybe on good-weather days I can get in some exercise that way.  Still shooting for a major fitness milestone this week – will report more as I achieve or don’t achieve it.  But wish me luck!

I went home early from work today; my stomach started acting up again, unsurprisingly.  Some people take on stress in their head (migraines); some get jittery and anxious; some get lethargic; I feel like spewing.  It’s been a familiar pattern for me at a few points this year.  If the pattern holds, I’ll have nausea for a few more days, maybe a week; then – what? I’m not quite sure.  Part of me feels like the walking dead – which has a specific meaning.  These are the people that have been hit by land mines, and the shrapnel sits in their body, slowly working its way closer and closer to key heart valves, waiting, biding its time to deliver the final blow when one least expects it.

Impending doom.

It’s not a great way to spend one’s day.  But again, I come back to the knowledge that I bear full responsibility.  I created the land mine out of thin air, an ephemeral, intangible, impossible hope, and so should I be surprised when it explodes in my face?  No.  I feel the shrapnel moving, slowly and painfully, and it feels like – truth.  Yes, truth can hurt.

I’ve gotten advice to “keep busy”, as if distraction alone were enough to bring me happiness, to turn the river back upstream, to cause apples to jump from the ground back up to the branch.  So I’ve been trying to keep busy.  It’s only partially working, but then again, had I not been keeping busy I may have been even worse off.

I had an excellent meetup about Crowdify with a friend and mentor tonight.  I have some plans in mind for taking some new steps down that path – keeping myself busy.  In the meantime, before that happens, I have some other project work to finish, and so we’ll have to see about timing.  But I’ve seen a glimpse of where I can go in the medium term with that project that makes sense.

Then I spent a couple hours with a public relations group here in town and talked marketing and PR and branding with some people I knew, and some new acquaintances as well.  Keeping busy.  (Note to self: the veggie burgers at Cyclops are top-notch).  However, I seem to have lost most of my appetite.  Maybe I’ll go on a hunger strike.  Both Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela went on hunger strikes to protest their life circumstances, so I would be in good company.  I kid, I kid.  I’d probably lose weight, however.

Up early tomorrow – unless my stomach won’t cooperate – to do a little project work wrap-up and then a full day of training.  We’ll see.